The 5 Healing Steps to Recovering from a Breakup
Written by Jafree Ozwald
“Immature love says, “I love because I need you”, mature love says “I need you because I love you.” ~Unknown
We all have a variety of ways that we guard and protect ourselves from getting hurt. Yet, if you were recently dumped, rejected, betrayed, left behind, or emotionally wounded from a past relationship, you most likely have layers of shields protecting you from having to go through that experience again.
Often after a fresh heartbreak, we can feel like we’d rather die in a dark moldy dungeon than take the risk to be rejected or abandoned again. It’s quite normal after a heartbreak to have a fortress built up around your heart. This is temporarily needed for a certain time to feel safe.
It’s just like a fresh new wound on your arm that needs a bandage to stop it from bleeding. The bandage is helping to protect the wound from the slightest possible pain. Yet, if 6 months or a year has gone by and you’ve still got that same bandage on your arm, it is going to stink and cause a deeper infection.
It usually takes the body less than a week to naturally heal a scratch on your arm, or 6-8 weeks for a broken leg to heal. When you are doing your inner work and taking good physical care of yourself, it shouldn’t take more than a year to heal from a deeply painful emotional codependent breakup of a long term relationship.
However, if you’re not willing to feel your pain, reaching constantly for food, cigarettes, or intoxicants to numb and distract you, you’ll be avoiding intimacy with others and unconsciously still protecting yourself from letting in love. On this path, it could take years, decades, or even an entire lifetime for your heart to heal and fully open to trusting in love again.
Whenever the inner fortress around our heart remains rigid for too long, its blocking the softest sweetest most gentle healing energy from finding its way in. A guarded heart will unknowingly push away those who are trying to give us love. When this occurs, these walls no longer serve their purpose so it’s vital that we learn how to dismantle them.
Letting down our walls to let in an ounce of trust in love can be totally terrifying, or it can become the most exciting adventure you’ve ever taken on. It all depends on your attitude. By taking baby steps each day to practice melting and merging with these wounded walls, we can relax, lighten up, take life less seriously.
When we relax the tension around the heart, telling our shields it is now safe to come down, we can soon become receptive again to trusting in the healing experience of love. The good news is that time naturally heals and our wounds both physically and emotionally. Since our spirit is already the eternal fire of love, all wounds naturally heal by themselves if we allow them to.
I would like you to acknowledge the people in your life who you let into your heart, and who you put up your guard with. It’s important to notice what types of people you trust. Who do you allow in to see, feel and know you the most? Who do you tell your deepest secrets? If you have very few intimate relationships in your life, there’s a big chance you might be over-protecting yourself, deeply scared of getting hurt, and attempting to avoid love and explore what true emotional intimacy is about.
It’s interesting to look at the relationships you’ve had in your past and notice which ones you’re still open to connecting with intimately and why them? Notice how many people you let into your heart are the same sex as you, and how many are of the opposite sex. See if you can understand yourself and your protection patterns here.
When you meet a new person, it can become confusing to know for sure when it’s healthy to keep your guard up to protect yourself from them, and when to let down your guard, trust the connection is healthy and allow them to come closer to your heart. We may retreat into the excuse that it’s safer to remain behind closed doors for now, and don’t risk expose ourselves to the possibility of getting hurt again.
It might seem safer to keep intimacy at a distance, and never allow anybody to come as close to your heart again. Yet, what kind of life is this? We are here to learn, grow, make mistakes and move on. The opening and trusting experience is a highly intuitive process. If you are not an intuitive type, then things might only become clear after spending a substantial amount of time guarded and hiding.
It’s a natural occurrence to want to retreat back into a healing womb inside ourselves when we are in pain. We may remain there for several months or years to heal a broken heart or lost love. The good news is that with enough time the mind tends to forget the past, and the pain will soften on its own. When the time is right, it’s important that you take the risk to step out of your emotional cave and give birth to a brand new emotionally available you.
“True Love, my dear, is putting an ironclad grip upon the soft, swollen balls of a divine rogue elephant and not having the good fortune to Die!” ~Hafiz
People who are in long-term successful relationships are either really cunning at hiding their feelings and pretending, or really good at being vulnerable and letting in love. Someone may be married to the same person for 25 years cannot be hiding behind a fortress of protection and also be happily married. The most magical loving relationship is one that is filled with authenticity, vulnerability, and honesty which brings in the energies of laughter, joy, and deep intimacy! The divine connection is yours to manifest and it will take form when you make the leap to trust in love again.
So when you’re ready to be loved, to feel loved, it’s essential to first trust in the energy of trust. There is a sweet expansive sensation of how trust feels in your heart. It just opens you to your soul. The more you can trust in any one thing, that trust vibration will grow and this is the foundation needed to allow love to come in. The more you can trust, the sweeter your life will become.
When you can truly experience and welcome the feeling of 100% trust into your heart in this now moment, allowing it to touch your innermost being, you’ll understand that there is nothing to be afraid of in this life. You’ll truly be fearless again, like how you were when you were a small child, knowing no limits as to what dreams you could and couldn’t manifest.
Even if you’re already in a beautiful loving relationship today, my invitation for you is to take the risk to deepen and expand your trust frequency so you can let more love in than before. Step out of whatever emotional cave you’re used to hiding in. Make more time to look into your partner’s eyes and let go of your fears by sharing your heart with them. Notice if you have any walls protecting your heart from trust and imagine what it may be like to let them down.
Deep penetrating love is always there, always knocking at your door, always ready to enter your heart when you are ready to open to it. All you have to do is relax, trust in life, and choose to let love in. In my experience, letting in love is easier than letting go of the fear of being hurt again, even though it seems like they happen simultaneously. The secret I found is trusting in the experience of feeling loved.
Being in a conscious relationship is a HUGE opportunity for you to open your heart and let in the most gentle, divine, and exquisite experiences of bliss possible. You don’t know what is possible. You cannot know. The Universe is too big, and there are far too many things in the unknown zone. There are most likely deeply joyful sensations waiting for you on the other side of fear.
There are so many ways that we can fool ourselves into thinking that we are trusting life, and living in love, yet deep down we are still holding onto skepticism and fear. The secret to fully trusting in love comes down to practice, patience, and persistence.
Love is the most rewarding and the most dangerous thing on the planet. So you have to be consistently courageous in order to continue opening yourself to love again and again. It is only with a wide-open heart that you’ll transform your entire life, and manifest a relationship where love is honest, true and real for you. Yes, an amazing love is possible if you believe it is! Love is powerful and magical on its own, and it has a way of finding a path around your walls even if you don’t feel safe take them down.
Below are the 5 Healing Steps to Recovering from a Breakup that will help you take the leap of faith and allow love to enter your heart again and again…
1. Choose to let down your “Love Guard” down a little bit everyday – It simply takes sticking to one solid conscious intention to totally transform your life. When you decide that you’re done hiding, protecting, and emotionally defending yourself in any way, you’ll find that everyone in the world is actually a potential lover or friend. When you’re willing to be real with others, people respect that and step forward to be real with you.
As long as you have your “love guard” up, can can only show a fake fearful mask to the world, this is what’s causing your authentic lovable self to remain in hiding. When you can devote many moments of your day to practicing the feeling (in your imagination) of letting in love, the greatest miracle will happen. You’ll suddenly stop being a defensive human being and will become a light of unconditional loving acceptance for all to enjoy. You’ll just know that your “love guard” has fallen away as you’ll feel a thousand times lighter inside. It’s from this lighter freer space that you’ll naturally create authentic loving relationships throughout your life.
2. Affirm out loud to the Universe every morning, “I am lovable!” – Sometimes we simply need to hear a strong solid convincing voice to speak a truth before we can believe it actually is true. When you state out loud with authentic conviction that you are lovable, this message sinks deeply into your subconscious mind and begins to manifest in your life. To authentically say to yourself in the mirror, “I love you! You are sooo lovable” is the most powerful exercise you can do to make the shift. If you don’t understand why you are soooo lovable and I’ll tell you why. When you were born, you were an innocent helpless little baby. You depended on everyone around you to survive.
It was because of people’s love for you that you survived and are alive today. Yes, you were lovable from the very beginning and this innocence is still inside you now. All the ego trips or negative attitudes that may have covered over yourself through the years are not who or what you truly are. You are simply a child born out of love. You were also generated from an orgasm which is one form of love. You are a sweet divine soul who came from love, and thus is always deserving of love.
3. Ask the Universe, God and your Higher Self for Healing Assistance – If perhaps you are more the intellectual type who thinks you can mentally command your walls to come down to let in love, you may be in for a big surprise. If you want to start letting in love yet your walls just won’t budge, you may want to surrender to a higher power and trust that it will protect you, and keep you safe from any future pain. Asking for help signifies that the ego/mind has no power, control or ability to create what it wants. When it comes to real love, total surrender is the only way. It is only through letting go of the mind that surrender actually happens. To truly let in the greatest love, you must let go of using your head and live your life from your heart. A continual surrender is the essential key to start living from the heart which is where you’ll find the source of love.
4. Get out there and meet new people and be willing to be totally vulnerable, naked and rejected. – Trust that you don’t need a fortress around your heart to be safe anymore. Whatever you think is protecting you from the slightest possible pain is actually what’s blocking the softest sweetest most gentle healing love from finding its way inside. The willingness to be a transparent human being is the most courageous act you can do with your life. Be willing to experience whatever level of exposure, nakedness, or rejection that you’re afraid to experience, and you’ll find that what you were really running from was only in your imagination.
5. Practice a Spiritual Surrender to the Infinite Source of Love – Look deep inside yourself and notice where is the source of love in this very moment. Stay in the now moment, for this is where you’ll find the source of love. It is at the very center of your being. This is a very special experience which you could easily overlook and get distracted with something more important. Yet, finding the infinite source of love is something which you’ve been waiting for your entire life!
This journey inside yourself is the most enlightening place you’ll ever discover! Your mind may not want to look, or won’t easily admit this because how embarrassing that would be for the ego to have overlooked! The mind has been relentlessly searching for years outside of itself for unconditional love, and yet this amazing divine love is closer to you than your next breath of air.
So for you to honestly find the very source of love right now, the ego/mind has to stop looking “out there” and start relaxing in here. For real joy to enter your life, the ego has to surrender completely to the source of love right now. This comes not from a place of losing or being defeated, but from a higher more enlightened perspective where you can finally relax and truly come home.
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